From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - How We Sabotage Ourselves

Ways We Sabotage Ourselves

“If I journal, then I have to THINK about my husband having an affair,” stated my client flatly. “Why would I want to do that?”

That may sound a bit silly to you, but as human beings we are always finding distractions from our issues that need attention or problem solving. How many of these do YOU do?

• Work: feeling centered only when working or accomplishing

• Sex: hiding from uncomfortable feelings through compulsive sexual behavior

• Television: avoiding discomfort by watching TV for hours on end, every day

• Drugs/Alcohol: “I need it to relax” translates “I don’t have to think about changing or feel the pain that would push me to do so”

• Tobacco: using nicotine and the act of smoking to calm yourself

• Tasks: volunteer or otherwise: needing to stay compulsively active with endless tasks or conversations

• Rage: only feeling OK after venting anxiety and anger inappropriately 

• Exercise: using exercise compulsively to seek control or avoid emotions

• Adrenaline: using risky behavior as a form of mood altering

• Food: eating compulsively for comfort or reward

• Hoarding: collecting and saving items endlessly

• Shopping: purchasing an item based on the idea that it will bring comfort, or seeking comfort in the act of buying

• Cleaning: cleaning endlessly in order to avoid stillness, which might bring attention to anxiety or other uncomfortable emotions. It’s also a way to seek control when feeling your life doesn’t have any

• Spirituality: becoming absorbed and/or obsessed in spiritual or religious ideas as a way of hiding from uncomfortable emotions*

The problem is that when we resist an emotion, trying not to feel what we are feeling, we tighten muscles around the areas in our bodies where we feel the emotion. This keeps it trapped there instead of letting it flow through naturally.

Are you ready to stop and pay attention to your life? I am your best guide to do so. Contact Maesk Group Counseling at 954-353-4680 and let’s get started!

*Adapted from Present Moment Awareness by S. Duncan

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Signs of Progress in Therapy

Do you know that you can focus on various areas in your life to see if you are feeling better in specific ways? This is a fun, informal quiz to use for this purpose. Rate your improvement from 1 to 4, with 4 being the most improved. Leave it blank if it doesn’t apply to you. Take the results to your therapist for discussion.

LIFE ISSUES*:

__Self Esteem

__Ability to reach Life Goals

__Personal Safety

__Your work or career

__Level of happiness

__Intelligence

__Use of your talents

__Sense of Humor

__Ability to care for others

__Personal self-care/Attractiveness

__Ability to make friends

__Relationships (friends)

__Relationships (family)

__Getting along with coworkers

__Taking time for you

__Treating yourself well

__Putting your needs first

__Taking care of your body

__Not getting overly tired

__Taking care of yourself when ill

__Eating well

__Sleeping enough

__Exercising regularly

__Appropriate alcohol use (or none at all)

Track your progress on a regular basis. Therapy is all about improving your life and making it the best it can be!

(Adapted from It’s My Life Now by M. Dugan)

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Feeling Bad About Your Body?

If you live in Fort Lauderdale, or South Florida for that matter, you know that it is an "image culture."  Beaches, bathing suits and hot bodies seem to be the order of the day.  But what if you don't fit the stereotypical mold?

This article, written by Kelly Tatera, explores body image and weight dissatisfaction.  It's worth a read!

Accepting your body is the first and most important step to getting healthier.

The way you feel about your body might have an even greater impact on your health than your actual weight, according to a number of scientific studies. The research isn’t meant to tone down the health risks associated with being overweight, but the findings reveal that feeling bad about your body could be harmful to your wellbeing, both physically and mentally.

In a study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders, a survey of over 100 female college students found a link between negative body image and a “generally diminished quality of life.” Other studies have linked weight dissatisfaction to higher blood pressure, glucose levels, and body-mass indexes (BMIs), as well as a greater risk of metabolic disease, disordered eating, and lower self-esteem.

A more recent study in 2014 found that weight dissatisfaction was linked to an eventual onset of type II diabetes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be an issue that’s going anywhere anytime soon, as another study revealed that feeling dissatisfied with body image is a growing problem.

Multiple studies have found that people who are satisfied with their bodies tend to exercise more often, so part of the problem may simply be that people who like their bodies take better care of them. In general, people who aren’t happy with their bodies exercise less and put on more weight, according to research.

“Weight dissatisfaction may actually discourage people from engaging in healthy behaviors,”Christine Blake from the Arnold School of Health in South Carolina told Quartz’s Harriet Brown. “They might be less likely to respond to programs that encourage health, saying, ‘Ah, forget it.’”

So what’s the best way to go about tackling weight issues? Instead of jumping to diets and rigid exercise schedules, Blake suggests that the first necessary step is to help people with body image issues gain a sense of self-acceptance and body positivity. Focusing on weight issues can often lead to stress, self-loathing, or other unhealthy behaviors, so before an individual can make genuine progress, he or she must let go of negative self-inflicted thoughts.

Managing weight-related issues can obviously be guided by doctors, but parents can also make a difference. A study back in 2009 looked at adolescents from 24 different countries and found strong links between body dissatisfaction and problems with parent-child communication, so healthy relationships at home could have a significant impact on feeling good about our bodies.

These studies certainly raise an interesting point since most people jump to the conclusion that the biggest issues when it comes to weight-related health risks has to do with, well, actual weight. But it appears that there’s an even more important issue to smooth out before all else, and as cliché as it sounds, accepting yourself must come first. You may roll your eyes hearing the whole “accept and love yourself” shpiel from your mom or in an inspirational Instagram post, but now even science confirms the importance of accepting your body.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - The Key to Happiness

“Mommy, hello please? Hello please?” the little girl repeated plaintively as she tugged on her mother’s skirt as mom obliviously tapped on her cell phone. 

The invention of our hand held devices is a very mixed blessing! On the one hand, we have the virtual world and relationships at our fingertips. Somebody can Like you on Facebook!! The adrenaline hit that brings is addictive and draws us in.

On the other hand, the real world and the relationships in front of us pass us by.

The idea of “Be Here Now” seems so elementary, but look around you. Is anyone in your line of vision enjoying the present moment-the coffee in their hand, the smile on the face of the clerk, the breeze that ruffles their hair? Or are they absorbed in the otherness of their phone?

Are you?

As we constantly look to “the next thing,” we miss relating to what IS. As a therapist, I am constantly challenged to wake people up out of cyber-life and into the challenge and joys of this moment. I have to remind them, that sitting there with me, we are safe. We are fed. We are warm.

But maybe your present moment isn’t so great. Maybe escaping into your phone seems irresistible in the face of that divorce, that mean boss, or that medical diagnosis. 

Using avoidance only compounds the current problem. The decisions, the insight needed to make changes are lost when problems are avoided by escaping into cyber world.

If this describes you, call me. I can help you face what you’re escaping with that phone. Finding solutions or at least facing the pain of the issues is the way to experience the life in front of you with freedom and peace. Don’t waste a minute of your existence!

“Living in the moment, living my life

Easy and breezy, peace in my mind-

Peace in my heart, peace in my soul

Wherever I’m going, I’m already home.”

(Song, Living in the Moment by Jason Mraz)

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Couples Communication

Communication Differences between Men and Women

“He should just know what I want if he loves me,” she exclaims.  “I try to solve her problems, but she gets mad when she’s upset and I give her advice,” he declares.  Both of them think they are right.  And both of them have a right to see it that way.  Both of them would be wise to learn to see it from another point of view.

Individuality notwithstanding, the stereotypes are somewhat borne out by research:  men are generally problem solvers and women generally want intuitive, compassionate responses.  To put it another way, when we approach our partner with a problem, we expect them to react the way our best (same sex) friends do. Or to put it another way: Men “fix” and women “feel.”

"And here's what you SHOULD do, wife..."

Men most often communicate in order to solve a problem, and they feel a sense of responsibility and love when their partner is upset.  What he doesn’t realize is that she is not generally asking for advice, unless she comes out and says so.  Instead, she would like to be listened to and valued while she processes her problem verbally.  It tends to go something like this:

She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”

He: “Well, you should just quit that job and look for another.  Here’s the employment listings.”

When he jumps directly to his solution for her life, she feels belittled, as if he feels she is not capable of adult decisions.  She really just wanted him to listen, not solve!  Let’s look at a better way:

She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”

He: “You seem really upset. Tell me more.”

“If you LOVED me you would just KNOW, husband…”

A mistake that women often make when communicating with the opposite sex is called “mind reading,” that is, expecting to just hint, sigh, glare, or otherwise get him to pick up on what she wants.  This conversation might go:

She:  (sarcastically) “That trash really smells, doesn’t it?”

He: “Sure does.”

Of course, she wanted him to take the trash out, not agree with her!  She winds up frustrated and furious that he didn’t bow to the control, hint, guilt and manipulation barely hidden in that remark.  A better way would be:

She: “Would you please take the trash out sometime in the next hour?”

He: “Sure, it’s my turn anyway.”

Women are socialized to be tactful, accommodating, and indirect, but this does not serve them well in the real world.  Instead, women (and indeed, men as well) should be DIRECT, BRIEF, and SPECIFIC when asking for what they need.  This could save a lot of resentment; we all appreciate honest, courteous, and upfront communication. 

So it goes like this: men, you get in a lot of trouble when you offer solutions instead of focused, eye-to-eye, undivided attention and a listening ear when she is sharing her problems with you.  And women, you shut down any hope of getting what you need when you hint, sigh, use sarcasm, or otherwise expect him to read your mind.  Instead, be direct (“the trash”), specific (“within the next hour”) and courteous (“please”).

Communication is a skill that must be learned, but the basic principles listed here can go a long way toward each person getting what they want - a “win-win” for all parties.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Depression Screening

Just a few days ago, the American Psychological Association formally recommended making screening for depression standard practice for teens and young adults.  This really did not surprise me, as my Fort Lauderdale practice sees many patients seeking help for depression in this age group.

The good news is that depression treatment is highly effective.  There are many different therapeutic techniques available, as well as the option for a medication evaluation for anti-depressants.  

The bottom line:  if you think you may be depressed, seek help.  You deserve to be happy!

Here is the link to the APA article:  Depression Screening 

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Panic Attacks

Tips for Coping with Panic Attacks

Always begin with a visit to your doctor or health care provider to ensure that there is not an underlying medical cause to your symptoms. Don’t self-diagnose.

Panic attack symptoms include:

• Shortness of breath

• Tightness in the chest

• Rapid heartbeat

• Inability to relax

What Can I Do To Cope?

RATE the panic on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning not bad at all, up to 10 meaning, call an ambulance! Anything we can MEASURE we can start to control.

ACCEPT, don’t fight. Fighting increases the bodily symptoms.

ASK yourself: what’s the worst that could happen here? How would I handle it?

BREATHE normally and naturally. Pay attention to your breath.

FOCUS on an object in the room. See it, describe it to yourself. This helps orient you in the present moment reality.

TIME the attack (measuring again). Note how little time it actually lasts.

NOTICE if the attacks are happening in a certain location or at a certain time (“cued” attacks.) When it passes, get out a piece of paper and write about that place or time. BE A SCIENTIST about your panic—objective, measuring, curious.

TAKE your writings to your counselor to further explore the causes of the panic.

REMEMBER that overcoming panic is not a matter of willpower. It is a malfunction of brain chemistry which can be helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication.  Medication takes away the SYMPTOM but not the CAUSE. Therapy helps get to the root of the problem.

Remember that a panic attack won’t hurt your physically. Although it’s very uncomfortable, your body will continue to breathe and function through it. Relaxing even a small amount and observing what’s happening will give you a much-needed distance and perspective.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Depression and Self-talk

“I have depression, and I just can’t do ANYTHING right,” my client sighed as she settled further into the couch.  I've been in Fort Lauderdale for three years and have no friends.  Maybe I should just accept that I am fat, depressed and a failure at relationships. Nothing will help me.”

And as long as she chooses to continue talking to, and about, herself that way, she WILL be overweight, depressed and alone, and most importantly, unable to change, regardless of her therapist’s skills. For the fact is that every cell in our body responds to what we think and say about ourselves.

Although most of us are familiar with the “love our neighbors as ourselves” directive, we miss the meaning of the last part. Most of us wouldn’t dream of calling our neighbor names or criticizing them point-blank to their faces, yet we look in the mirror and do it to ourselves every day. We feel compassion for our friend’s struggles with food, relationships or other issues, yet we are merciless and impatient with our own. Self love is a vital key to health, and self condemnation the thing that most often keeps us from our goals. For instance, if you are having trouble ending an unhealthy relationship, AND you “beat yourself up” for your “weakness,” we now have THREE issues to overcome—the relationship, the self loathing, AND the damage done to your self image by the insult! Self love, forgiveness for our mistakes, and patience with our failures leads to the strength and discipline necessary to move forward into a healthy, balanced life.

To become your own encourager and best friend requires a deep examination of who taught you to be self-critical in the first place. Where did the “I’m not OK” message come from? It is most often from one of two sources—either what was said about you by your parent, or what a parent said about themselves in front of you. If you heard negativity modeled in your growing up years, the pattern was set for you to live that way as well. Children really do learn what they live. But like any learned behavior, this thinking pattern can be changed; sometimes by yourself, and sometimes with the help of a counselor if the pattern is persistent or severe.

To remain vital and healthy in your thinking throughout your lifetime, practice catching yourself when you are saying or thinking self-critical things. Immediately visualize a big red STOP sign to interrupt the pattern. Replace the self-criticism with a positive, encouraging thought, such as “I’m proud of myself for trying to change.”

 If you focus on what you DON”T like about yourself, you will get more of it, but focusing on the successes in your life will lead to more success. Congratulate yourself on victories, whether it’s a ten minute walk when you really just wanted to watch television, or keeping your temper in traffic.

All of us respond to love and encouragement, including when we give it to ourselves. Give yourself the gift of acceptance!  And let us know if we can help.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Loneliness and Sadness

This is a link to an interesting article exploring the connection between loneliness and health problems.  And yes, there is a connection.  The article can be found here:  "Loneliness as Deadly as a Lack of Exercise and Diabetes." 

If you are struggling with loneliness, sadness or depression, know that there is help.  Maesk Group Counseling is eager and willing to help.  Call 954-353-4680 or email to schedule an appointment.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry

When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry—Making it Through the Season

“What’s wrong with me?” my patient (fictional) asked, shredding the tissue in her hands as she wept on my couch. “Shouldn’t this be a happy time of year? Why can’t I feel Christmassy and jolly?”

And she is not alone. When you think of all of the people who are grieving and/or going through their first holiday season after divorce, widowhood, or the loss of a loved one, you realize that the memories can make the holidays more painful than happy at this time of year. Add to that the additional stress the season brings in the form of activities, shopping, and school events—well, you can see the problem. It’s like adding that last too-much drop of water to an already overflowing bucket.

What to do? If you are experiencing loss this time of year, your goal is this: to make it through. This is not the time to fill your chore list with handmade gifts (or gifts at all—who’s going to blame you this year?) or high stress dinners. If ever there was a time in your life to put you (and your children, if any) first, this is it. Exercise your “say-no” muscle with a firm and assertive smile and pass on committees, obligations, and entertaining. The people who might judge you—and believe me, there are fewer than you imagine—are simply not worth a second thought.

When the memories and tears come, allow them. What we resist, grows stronger, so don’t fight the feelings that arise. Tears actually expel cortisol, a stress hormone that is damaging to the body and needs to come out in order for you to be healthy.

Ask your friends and family for what you need this year, specifically. Do you need help making decisions? You probably have at least one friend who would love to help you. Do you need people to just listen to your grief without advising you? Tell them that you really just need an ear, not a response, from them.

These are just a few ideas; you know best what helps you stay strong. Just remember that you WILL make it through. Rest, heal, and wait for better days.